Russia finally loses it
by iamsuchaflippingpancake13
Summary: When Russia blows up the world meeting, he demands they all become one with him or "bad things" will happen-and it's up to the Bad Touch Trio, punk!Iggy, the hero America, Germany and the Italy brothers, Japan, and China to stop him before he KILLS THEM ALL! also: fluff b/t spamano, usuk, etc.
1. Another fight

**A/N: well, it's six in the morning and i have nothing to do...happy birthday! just a crackfic i came up with. i own nada...**

"Alright, let's get this party started!" America's 'big hero voice' rang out across the large conference room. England rolled his eyes. _This is going to be another bloody meeting where America stands there and yells about nothing in particular, and we all end up fighting. At least Russia isn't here to make matters go from bad to worse... _

France smirked. _It seems I will have another go at l'Angleterre today..._he sat up straighter and kept his eyes trained on England. The big-browed freak was staring dejectedly at America. He was going through another punk phase, so half of his head was green, and it 'totally went with the black eye' France gave him yesterday, Poland had said. But Iggy had chipped France's tooth and won the fight at the same time, even with a bloody nose.

Ya had to give France some credit, even though he had started the fight by commenting on how intently Iggy stared at America during meetings. Iggy jumped up with a tomato face(or so Italy thought) and ran across the table to punch France. He was so aggressive as a punk.

"Can you actually talk about something that matters, America?" England said loudly and rudely. "We don't need a fuckin' super globo man." America stopped talking and stared Iggy down.

"Why don't you lead the meeting then, you 'bloody wanker'?" America did a perfect imitation of England's voice and Iggy stood up.

"Well, I believe I shall."

"Then come up here and do it!"

"FINE!" England stormed to where America was standing and grabbed the chalkboard pointer.

Germany stood up as well. "Stop fighting! We never get anything done like this. Why don't we all cooperate and get along for once?"

England said, "Cooperate with this." and stuck up his middle finger to Germany. Italy shrieked.

"Don't do that to Germany! That's mean!" England just stared at him, repeated the gesture, and shrugged.

"What are you gonna do about it, wuss? You jump at your own shadow and then hide behind Germany and-"

England had failed to notice Spain hand Romano a tomato, and Romano standing up. Because of that, he got a huge red splat across his face. If there was one thing you could never doubt, it was the older Italy's aim. And so England swung himself onto the table with America grabbing at his waist and ran at full speed toward Romano, the pointer held like a knife, but Romano just stood his ground and tried to look brave with Spain clutching his arm. But neither of them had to worry, because Iggy tripped on his untied shoelace and fell on his face. Blood streamed from his nose and mixed with tomato juice as he stabbed the nearest person in the arm. Prussia. He swung wildly with his good arm and ended up hitting Mr. Austria instead, who was immeaditly knocked out cold. Hungary, on the other hand, was burning up with anger as she tackled Prussia. And then Romano decided to punch Germany in the face. "What? Everyone else is fighting." was his excuse to Spain. Everyone else had, in fact, started fighting.

This was just a recipe for disaster.

Chaos exploded as it was turned into a free-for-all and the Bad Touch Trio ganged up on England. America came to his aid and Iggy screamed, "I don't need your fuckin' help beating up the frog!" America just gave his dazzling smile and shouted over the yelling and screaming, "Everyone needs a hero! Besides, who doesn't want to kill France?" England had to agree, and they started throwing punches. France screamed like a girl when America threw him across the table into another little battle of Romano, getting his ass thoroughly whipped, versus Germany, who was also pretty beat up.

"I'm fre-" Prussia had almost escaped Hungary now, but was again knocked to the floor by a huge explosion as the ceiling blew up. Debris flew down endlessly as a tall figure in a long, flowing, scarf walked slowly and leisurely through the clouds of dust towards what used to be the front of the room. The cries of a dozen buried countries and nations broke the deafening silence that followed the explosion.

America was freaking out as he dug through the plaster and bricks, searching for Iggy and Canada. Spotting a tuft of green hair through the haze, he scrambled towards it and pulled out a half-dead England, who's head a brick and fallen practically on top of. His scalp was bleeding, and America took off his bomber jacket to wrap around him. "Please, Iggy. Please be okay..." He mumbled over and over.

A familiar voice, repeating a familiar phrase, could be heard from the figure at the front of the room. "Become one with Russia, da? Or bad things will happen..."

**A/N: Imma post the second chapter like right now so be paitient, my children!**

**~ pancake-chan 3**


	2. No Way, Bro!

**A/N: like i said, here's the second one in a very short amount of time. short for me, anyway. i own nada.**

"No." America's 'big hero voice' rang out towards Russia. Russia turned and tilted his head, just enough for it to resemble a creepy doll that you found in your grandma's attic, covered with cobwebs. He was smiling innocently, eyes closed.

"I would never, Iggy would never, not even _France_ would. Even though he enjoys the idea of 'becoming one' with somebody. You just blow up the meeting room, stroll up to us, and _demand to become one?! Are you cereal*?!_" America stood up, hugging Iggy's small limp body close to his chest and breathing hard.

"I got tired of waiting for someone to want to be with me. So I thought that this would make the choice easier." Russia explained it as if was the most normal thing in the world.

"You have Belarus." Germany's faint voice could be heard from across the room. "And Ukraine."

Russia flinched at the mention of their names. "No. Not them. Someone stronger." His scary smile returned and he appeared more relaxed as he went on. "I need someone with alot of land." America could feel his eyes bore holes into him. America turned slightly, holding Iggy more protectively as if he could hide him from the frightening stare.

"No way, man...I would rather sleep with France"-he shuddered-"than become one with _you_." Russia shrugged carelessly.

"I will use force then, da? I will kill your boss and everyone close to you if you do not."

America froze. _Is he being cereal? I can't take chances...not with the stakes so high like this. I can't afford to lose anyone. _He took a step back, and heard a moan. "Sorry, Mr. Austria." He murmured. "My answer is-" _I don't know! I don't fuckin' know!_ "-still n-no." It started out loud, but the end of his sentence trailed off to a whisper. Russia heard his answer clearly, though.

"That was easy. I did not want to, but killing your boss will make your country easier to take. I think I will do that with all of the counties. Bye-bye now." And with that, he strode out of the room, still not rushing, but walking, as if he had all the time in the world.

When he was gone, America made his way through the debris to Germany with a sinking feeling in his stomach. "Dude! Are you okay?!"

Germany looked up at Iggy and America. Italy was huddled against him, looking more traumatized than the time France explained sex to him. "J-jah. I am more worried about Italy, though. He was stuck under large pieces of-" he was interrupted by Italy.

"Pastaaaaaah..." He breathed softly. _He was stuck under pasta?_ America thought. _That's...kinda weird. _

"-Plaster and metal." Germany finished. "Let's get all the countries up and make sure they're okay." America nodded. Iggy stirred in his arms, and America looked at him with concern in his eyes.

"Iggy? Are you awake?" Iggy turned over a bit and nuzzled into America's arms affectionately. America felt his face heat up, and he squirmed self-consciously and wiped some of the blood and tomato off his face with part of his American flag t-shirt.

"You...look like a tomato!" Italy giggled, and Germany smiled. "See, he doesn't hate you!"

"He's unconscious, guys. H-he doesn't know what he's doing..." America said nervously as Iggy wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled himself up. Just as Iggy's lips were about to touch America's, his eyes flew open. "What the fuck?!"

America dropped him. Italy laughed.

**A/N: *cereal means serious.**

**Crackfic, what'd i tell ya. third one will be up really super soon.**

**~pancake-chan**


	3. A Plan?

**A/N: i am on a roll! woo! this wasn't even a serious story, i was just messing around with storylines and shite! i own nada!**

When they got everyone out and Iggy stopped accusing America of molesting him ("I can't believe you, America!" "It's not molesting if you're older than the other person!" "Then it's RAPE!" etc.), France invited them all over to his house. Most countries declined the offer, including Iggy, but America told him that "if France lays a hand on you, I'll throw him through a wall". Iggy just stared at him disbelievingly, thinking _are you serious? You just tried to molest me, mofo!_ But Iggy doesn't know the truth.

"We need a plan!" America announced in the coffee room to the Bad Touch Trio, Iggy, still wearing America's bomber jacket(he was teased by France for that), Germany and the Italy brothers, Japan, and China. And Canada, but no one noticed him.

"No shit, Sherlock." Iggy said sarcastically. America stared at him.

"Do you wanna get up here and tell us your plan?"

"As a matter of fact, I do!" Iggy stood up, but Germany grabbed his arm and he sat down again, a glare fluttering across his porcelain features. America smiled at Germany, and Iggy flashed the British middle finger at both of them.

"Why don't we just raise our hands like in school, and then tell our idea, veh~!" Italy exclaimed, pleased with himself. Germany patted him on the head and gave him some garlic bread. Iggy raised his hand.

"Yes, Iggy?" America gave an irritated sigh. Iggy smirked.

"All in favor for Germany to lead the meeting instead of America!" Everyone except for Romano, who doesn't care, Canada, but he wouldn't matter anyway, and Germany himself, raised their hands. America and Germany switched spots, and when America sat next to Iggy, Iggy whispered, "That's what you get, rapist!" America smiled, then reached his arm around Iggy and tickled him. He laughed uncontrollably, and France stared at them, eyebrows raised and a pervy smile on his face. America stopped, but Iggy didn't for a few seconds.

"Yes, Italy?" Germany's deep, commanding, voice silenced the room. Veneziano beamed with pleasure as he lowered his hand he had been waving manically.

"I think we should go to his house and give Russia some PASTAAAAAAAA!"

"How did I know he was gonna say that..." Prussia muttered, then he raised his hand. Germany nodded at him. "I think we"-he gestured to himself and the rest of the bad touch trio-"should go to Russia. I would turn on my awesomeness full blast, and blind that loser!"

"Si, si! And then France and I could hit him with big sticks!" Spain continued, spreading his arms out to show how big the sticks will be. France nodded enthusiastically. "What kind of big sticks...?" He asked Spain, who shrugged.

Germany just shook his head. "You cannot blind people with awesomeness, bruder. I've told you that before. Anyone else?" Canada's hand had been up for a while now, but nobody even glanced in his direction.

"I have one, guys! Look over here! Hey!" Canada was trying to get their attention, but to no avail. So he sighed and just cuddled with his bear, who still didn't know his name.

"I have a great idea! Let's use France as bait, wait till Russia kills him, then attack, Pirate Style!" Iggy announced. France groaned. America was enthusiastic.

"Yeah! Let's do it! You'll never try to rape Iggy again, Frog!" America swung his arms around Iggy's slim waist and hugged him tightly. "You're awesome, dude!"

"Um, I'm the awesome one?!" Prussia slammed his hands on the coffee table. France gasped.

"Be careful! That is a collector's edition coffee ta-"

"No one cares, France, STFU." America told him solemnly as he set Iggy on the couch again. "Buuuuuut...we should use a plan that includes nobody dying on purpose."

"Alright, I'll stab France by accident then." Iggy said, still trying to catch his breath from America's tight hug. Germany nodded politely at them all.

"Now we're getting somewhere. Although the bait was a good idea, we should not use France."

Iggy shrugged. "It was just a suggestion."

France let out the breath he had been holding and Spain patted him on the back reassuringly. Romano glared at France, jealous and upset Spain wasn't patting _his_ back or hugging _him_. Veneziano hugged Romano, saying "Hug Therapy!" Romano just pushed him away, tears in his eyes.

"I have an idea! Why don't we all gang up on Russia and beat the ever living shit out of him! Then retreat when we fail and come back again and try another time!" Romano suddenly yelled. His curl bounced cutely, and Spain almost grabbed it.

"Hell yeah!"America yelled. "All in favor say fries!" Everyone, even Germany and Prussia, said 'fries'. Romano looked startled at the fact that someone actually agreed with him for once. Spain smiled at Romano and pulled him over for a hug and a little kiss on the cheek.

Romano looked like a tomato.

**A/N: well, that's the end of chapter three...i'm so proud of myself! this probably sucks but i don't give a flipping pie!**


	4. Are they ready?

**A/N: i wanted Romano to feel special in the last chapter...it's kinda crappy, but it's a fun story to write! i hopes y'all injoy all dis raht ****here...cuz ah du**

**i own nada!**

"Germany, we have a problem." Japan said, just loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Jah?" Germany glanced at Japan while still trying to peel Veneziano off his torso.

"We do not even know where Russia is..." He said to them. America's eyes widened, and the sinking feeling returned. He sat down again, and Iggy looked at him funny.

"Alright there, America?" America just shook his head and glanced guiltily at the rest of the countries in the room.

"Hey, guys..." He was quieter than anyone had ever heard him before. "I forgot to tell you. Russia...is gonna try to kill my boss, then he'll go after yours."

The room was silent. Veneziano started crying softly. "L-let's go...save y-your b-b-boss...America!" He hugged America, and the surprised taller country just hugged him back, thankful to have the Italy brother's warm arms around him. The sinking feeling dissolved, and left him with determination rising up his throat. America pulled away from Veneziano and smiled at him.

"Yeah, let's save my boss...and if we're not careful, Russia's gonna try to kill Iggy and Canada, too-"

"WHAT?! WHY ME?!" Iggy yelled angrily. America blushed a little, then explained. "So I'm 'close to you'?" America nodded, and Iggy blushed a bit himself. Canada just smiled. France glared.

"That auschlaus* will never kill Italy's boss, my boss, or anyone else's boss for that matter!" Germany exclaimed. Veneziano nodded.

"Don't worry, America! Iggy and that Cana-guy will be safe!" America smiled at their eternal optimism. Iggy smiled at the fact that America didn't hate him; he was just easily annoyed and annoying. France smiled at l'amour in the air, only his was a let's-have-a-threesome-creepy-smile. Iggy frowned at that.

"Well, if he said he was going to kill America's boss directly, then we should go to America's place first." Germany suggested as he placed a map of the world on the table.

"I can see my house from here! Germany, look!" Veneziano grabbed his hand and pointed at the northern part of Italy while bouncing on his toes. Prussia rolled his eyes.

"Jah, Italy." Germany replied absentmindedly. "We should get there as fast as possible. Does anyone have a private jet we can use?" They stared at each other, thinking.

"Well, I have a plane. It is not as fast, but durable. Very, very, durable...and the seats are nice and soft..." France trailed off with a suggestive glance at his BTT buddies. Romano glared at him and, surprisingly, grabbed Spain's hand. Spain squeezed his hand. Iggy looked disgusted, but agreed that they should use the plane.

* * *

Veneziano slept on the plane, his head resting on Germany's shoulder. Germany just read his book, trying to ignore his snores and his brother's curses from the back.

France lay down across three seats with his feet on the window, long legs crossed femininely and arms behind his head as a pillow.

Romano was trying to cuddle with Spain, who looked terrified and nervous about fighting, or even talking, to Russia.

Japan was reading manga and discussing what exactly the plot of the anime and manga 'Hetalia' was with China, who was also cuddling nervously with a panda and chewing on raw bamboo.

Prussia trying to take a nap, to 'charge my awesomeness for the battle,' even though he was obviously terrified.

America, of course, was flying the plane. He was a very accomplished pilot, and claimed he could fly with his eyes closed, but Iggy, who also was a well trained pilot due to his strong air force, would yell at him if he even blinked. They had claimed the pilot seat for themselves, and had also promised they wouldn't fight too much. And they weren't, Iggy was just overwhelmed and America was anxious and scared. I mean, why wouldn't he be? His boss could be killed, Iggy could be killed, Canada- well, Canada had nothing to worry about, because if you couldn't see someone, you can't kill them.

Speaking of Canada, he was sitting right up front in the plane and hoping someone would eventually hear him out. He did have a great plan, after all...

* * *

"Wassup! This is your hero speaking- hey, Iggy! Gimme that-"

"*ahem* Hello, this is your captain speaking. Get your lazy arse up and start getting ready for the landing! That's right, I mean you, froggy. And Romano, the tea bastard demands you discontinue your lustful snogging with the Spaniard. America's gonna puke._ Freaks..._" Iggy muttered as he hung up the loudspeaker.

_Well, this is it..._ America thought as he unbuckled his seat belt in the pilot's seat. He and Iggy had to share a seat, so they were uncomfortably close for most of the plane ride. But Iggy was cold, and America did give him an opportunity to sit on his lap and wear his coat, and Iggy agreed to the coat-wearing section of the deal and was warmer for the rest of the ride.

They landed at the airport five minutes later, and the duo of pilots had to yell at a few people to get them off the plane. Canada, however, was the first off due to the fact no one knew he was even on there.

It took half an hour and America's crying to get them off the plane.

When Japan got off, he could not stop marveling at the white house where they had landed. And unbeknownst to the pilots, he had gotten some pictures of them on the seat together in the front. Hungary would pay good money for these...

**A/N: wellllllllllllll**

**i am trying to decide whether i should write a civil war fic about America and Fem!America...Fem!America would be the confederate side, nicknamed 'Connie.' **

**I think i will **

**let me know what you think, kk?**


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